The School is on Crack
by Monkey and Cookee
Summary: AU. The whole school except Sasuke is on crack! Or the writer's are at least. The name says it all. Poor, poor Sasuke, the victim of all the chaos and the nude drawing Sai wants to do. SaixSasuke -M. & C.


Cookee: Wow, it's the first Monkey-Cookee collaboration in... How many years? o.o

**Monkey: -holds up three fingers- XP THREE!**

Cookee: o.o; ...Yeah... three... Anyway, yeah here we go. D: ...Mental note: never combine coffee, whipped cream, sugar and yaoi on Monkey... oh, and let's not forget my panda... oh, and apparently _me_ too. T.T

**Disclaimer: We (yes, believe it o.o) do not own Naruto.**

**When the School is on Crack**

**xXx**

"Can I draw you naked?"

Sasuke's eye twitched as he gave Sai a wary glance. He blinked once, only to turn his attention back to that God awful sketch of a dog he scribbled in 10 minutes last night for an easy D... _plus_. He picked up his nearest charcoal pencil thinking only one simple line:

Damn the moment they were placed in the same class.

Which reminded him, why did he even take that class? He sucked at drawing.

Oh, right. It was either that or home ec. where it was full of his fangirls. At least here, he had Sai...

He should have gone with the fangirls.

"Sasuke."

He decided to ignore Sai by focusing on more important things. For example, like how his life sucks.

The idiot sitting next to him happens to like him; however, he likes Naruto, but Naruto likes Sakura. Unfortunately, she likes Sasuke, so Naruto hates him. Poor little Hinata, who has a crush on Naruto and Neji, but he doesn't even notice her; Sasuke bet Naruto doesn't even notice she likes him either. As for Neji, well, that's a lost cause too. Why? Because he's in love with Tenten... Who's got this thing for Rock Lee, who happens to like Sakura. And yet Sakura has this secret thing (or so she thinks its a secret) for Itachi, though it just seems like she's just trying to get it on with any Uchiha that comes her way. Itachi likes Kisame, who likes Kakashi, who likes Anko, who likes Orochimaru, but Orochimaru is infatuated with Sasuke...

Well, it all comes down to Sasuke. He concluded that life would have been much easier if he wasn't born.

"Sasuke? I know I'm annoying, but geez, at least answer my question."

"SASUKE! HOW IS MY LITTLE DARK ANGEL DOING TODAY?" Orochimaru exclaimed joyfully as he slammed the door open to his art class.

Sasuke fixed up his supplies calmly, packing his used up pencils and markers into their proper places before elegantly high-tailing it out of the room as if the devil were chasing after him, which it probably was... just hidden by a pale pedophile with long hair... oh and a snake tongue.

Iruka, the unlikely art teacher, just watched him leave because this happens every now and then. Yup, perfectly normal.

Sasuke probably started a world record by flashing onto the other side of campus in 3 seconds flat, but as he turned a sharp corner, desperate to send his predator on a wild goose chase, he came face to face with a bipolar blond.

"SA-... Sasuke, perfect." Naruto's hype deflated the moment his blue eyes met onyx ones.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, staring at Naruto. "What did I do now, Naruto?" Yes, only for Naruto would he have this much patience.

"You! You just couldn't have just settled with all the girls, half the boys at this school -not to mention some of the _staff-_ you had to go for _her_ too!"

"Ugh! Naruto! For the last time, I don't even like her!" And there he went again, talking about how Sasuke had apparently stolen Sakura from him.

"Yeah, right! You knew that I like her! You blah blah blah!" Of course, that's not what Naruto really said, but that's what it sounded like to Sasuke after hearing this over and over and over again for the last three years! What luck he had, to have a crush on this kind of person for the last few years of his life. And of _course_, he was straight. GAH! Well... There was this _one time_ at a party, that Kiba threw (who was totally forgotten before, so let's mention him now), and there was a _lot _of spiked punch... But that's off topic.

"Look, Naruto I-"

"SASUKE!"

OH. MY. GOD. NO. NOT. HERRRRR. He slowly turned around, and regretted it a second later.

The pink bubblegum— err, Sakura was speeding down the hallway as if he was the million dollar prize. Oh wait, he kinda was.

"SASUKE! HOW'VE YOU'VE BEEN? IT'S BEEN SO LOONGGGG!"

It's only been a period. Speaking of periods, it's time to go! Don't know how those two relate, but whatever. Sasuke impressed himself as he sped by. He should join track... or cross country. Or both. "BYE NARUTO!"

Give Sasuke only a few more seconds before he encountered another irritating situation. He tripped over a passed out Hinata; his stuff went _flying_. Y'know what? So did he. Into the lockers.

"Ouuuchhh... What the hell?" He exclaimed, rubbing his head and looking around. He cried out, "Screw it!" and ditched his art supplies, deciding that they were only an escape from his fangirls anyway. He barely had enough time to wonder why the hell Hinata was passed out in the middle of the hallway, but now wasn't the time to think about it. Now was the time to run. Where were the deans right now? Well, it didn't matter. He was an Uchiha. He could get away with _murder_, but he's not going to get into that.

He picked up his bag, without his art supplies, only to run into Neji.

"Sasuke."

Gah. Great. Another person that liked to say his- ...Oh wait, it's only Neji. "Finally! A sane person!" Sasuke breathed out a sigh of relief, resting a hand on Neji's shoulder.

The Hyuga gave him a sly grin before breaking out into a fit of random laughter, sending chills down Sasuke's spine. Oh God, not _him_ too! He took a few cautious steps back before breaking out into another run, still hearing Neji's awkward laughter two halls down.

He bumped into Tenten, nearling losing his stuff again.

"Sasuke! I finally found you!" Oh great, this will be good. "Can you please do me a HUGE favor? Could you be my model for me? I already made the outfit! It's in your size too!"

"U-Uhm... What is it?"

Out of seemingly nowhere, Tenten pulled out a _schoolgirl uniform_. "Sasuke! Please, please be my model!"

Sasuke shook his head vigorously and ran outta there. "Sorry Tenten!" Nothing against the poor girl, but today was just not a good day to be him.

Finally, the gym! Yes, the gym! Wait! No, where's the exit?

"Sasuke! My youthful friend!"

Oh no. OH no. OH NO. "Heyy, Rock Lee... What's up?" Sasuke asked halfheartedly with a nervous laugh.

"Come EXERCISE with me! I just set a new personal record! Why don't you join me? I will run 157 laps around the school! It will be _fun_ Sasuke! Besides, you are so fit! You could probably do more! Let's do 167, or how about a 168?" Lee asked enthusiastically, ready to start jumping up and down.

Sasuke didn't realize he was already out of breath. Man, he thought he was fit! Apparently not! At least his fangirls were always there to make sure he was always in shape. Now, the rest of the school was too. Great... "Look, Lee..."

"NONSENSE!" Rock Lee waved his hand, dismissing Sasuke's unfinished decline of invitation. "Come! I'll race you there! LET'S GO!" So off Lee went! And Sasuke too! ...In the opposite direction.

Geez! What was wrong with people today? Was there something going on today that Sasuke didn't know about? No way! He was _Sasuke_! He was an _Uchiha_! He had connections everywhere! Unless he was being punk'd again... Awww _damn you Itachi_!

Breathing heavily, he leaned against a few lockers, only to catch a glimpse of Sakura walking down the other end of the hallway. "Fuck me." Sasuke breathed. And somewhere in the distance, he swore heard someone exclaim, "YES! WHEN?"

Okay, time to run. Once more. Jesus, he knew he shouldn't have woken up today. But now no one could say he didn't work out. Not that anyone would say that. Because come on, he had the body of a GOD.

"Sasuke." Oh great, someone said his name. Here we go again!

He turned around and happened to see his devilishly handsome brother. HAH! He wished! Sasuke was a GOD. "What do you want Itachi? I'm _not_ in the mood."

"I just wanted to say that you are and always will be second best."

That got Sasuke's attention. Just what the hell was he talking about? "... Huh?"

Eloquent, wasn't it?

"The school ranking system of course. I beat you. Again. Like always. You'll never pass me, little brother."

Rolling his eyes, the younger Uchiha looked down the hallway, hoping there was no one else he'd randomly run into. Good, the coast seemed clear enough. "Listen to me," he faced Itachi, "and listen to me well. I am _hotter_ than you." Hm, maybe there was something wrong with him too. Nahhh. It was Itachi, and Itachi was just an ass.

"Wait, what rankings?"

Itachi smirked. "Behind on the news as usual, _little brother_? How sad. See? This is why you'll always be number two."

"Whatever! Mom likes me more!"

"_I'm_ Dad's favorite though!"

Sasuke took in a deep breath. This could go on for hours. It can. It has. It will. It ALWAYS does.

"Heyyy! It's Mini-Itachi!" Oh he wasn't even going to stick around for Fish-face—er, Kisame. Whatever. He was Fish-face in his eyes.

He gave one last glare to his older brother before running out of there.

"There you are, Sasuke!" Really? REALLY? He hadn't even made it to the end of the hallway yet! His school had way too many hallways!

"What do you want, Kakashi?"

"I hear you're having a hard day."

"Yes? And?"

"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to say 'hi.' Have you read the new Icha Icha?"

"Look, Kakashi, I'm not in the mood for-"

"You're in it." Oh that's it. Jiraiya was a dead man. "It's a very interesting yaoi actually."

"A YAOI? WITH WHO?" Sasuke's eyes bugged out as his jaw gave a slight twitch.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Kakashi gave him a suspicious smile before brushing past him.

Sasuke shivered slightly before (for the first time that day) walking to the end of the hall.

"Hey, Sasuke!" Two steps. Two _friggin' _steps. Next thing he knew, he'd be surrounded by all of Konoha before he got to the exit. Wait... that's very possible, so let's not jinx it, yeah?

"Anko...?"

"Yo! I just wanted to see if you were still in one piece!"

"Uhm... Why?" Well, everyone _was_ out to get him, but they weren't actually out to get him, right?

"Oh, nothing. I just heard your fangirls had a very interesting day today."

"Really?"

"Yes! Something about... the whole school on sugar."

Oh. OHHHH. "Well that explains things." Sasuke looked at her warily. "Are you on sugar too?"

"Me? YES!" Out of nowhere, she pulled out a large, red arrow with the words 'Sasuke is here' and in the distance, he could hear the fangirls going wild.

The boy gulped before dashing down the hall and out into the courtyard, slamming into the incredibly well-timed arms of Sai. Sasuke froze, not because he knew who it was (because he really didn't), but because he had this fear that he was finally _caught_.

Ahhhh shit.

"Sasuke?"

Sasuke blinked before shoving himself away hastily from Sai, sending him death glares. "You!" He seethed, pointing an accusing finger square at the boy's face. "It all started with _you!"_

Sai tilted his head to the side before shrugging it off. "Why don't you just be my model? I mean, it can't be that bad."

"Why would you even _want _me to be your model?"

"...Have you _seen_ yourself in a mirror?"

Yes, yes he had, but Sai didn't need to know what happened when Sasuke was alone with a mirror. No. No he didn't. "...Maybe." He admitted, shifting his gaze to another area.

"Then you should understand why."

Sasuke's pride wanted to scream out, "hell fucking yes I do!" but his fear of... Wait, no, that doesn't sound right. He was Sasuke Uchiha! He had no fear! Right! Exactly!

"So will you do it?"

"YES."

"Oy! Sasuke!" Sasuke whirled around, both fearful and slightly happy to find Naruto walking over to him. "Hey, listen, sorry about earlier. I don't know what came over me! So, sorry 'kay?" Without even waiting for a reply, Naruto skipped off, probably to go looking for Sakura. Too bad for him, she found Sasuke much more interesting. Right on cue, she popped up too.

"Sasuke!" She gave him a small smile. "Sorry for chasing you around earlier. I was just so happy to see you..."

Before Sasuke could reply, the pink-haired girl was shoved abruptly into the nearby hallway, replaced by a raving Orochimaru. "Sassukkeeeeee!" He nearly purred, readying himself to pounce on the boy. Just as Orochimaru lunged for Sasuke, Sai grabbed the frozen-solid boy by the back of his collar and pulled him to his opposite side without a moment's notice.

"Orochimaru!" Anko glared, delivering a drop kick onto Orochimaru's head. "Sasuke! Hey, sorry about earlier 'kay? No hard feelings!" With that, she picked up Orochimaru, threw him over her shoulder and disappeared into another hallway.

Sasuke gave Sai a wide-eyed glance. "Th-Thanks."

"No problem." Looking away, Sai mumbled lowly, "Only I can touch you anyway."

"What was that?" Sasuke blinked cluelessly, not hearing the last addition.

Sai shook his head, but was cut short when a timid Hinata suddenly appeared in front of them with Neji beside her.

"Sasuke-kun... S-Sorry... I... Just..."

Sasuke held up a hand. "I don't even remember what happened." He turned his attention to the prodigal genius... No, not himself, but Neji.

"Sasuke."

"Neji."

"Sasuke."

"Neji."

The two stared at each other wordlessly. "You saw nothing."

"No, no I didn't."

The Hyuga's left silently.

"Uhmm... Sasuke?" Tenten. "Sorry about asking you to model for me!" With a blushing face, she ran away.

Sai narrowed his eyes. "Model?"

"In a schoolgirl outfit." Sasuke sighed.

"I see."

"Should we go?" Sasuke asked, his head hanging low and a headache ready to attack at any moment. "What time should we meet up?"

"How about-"

"Sasuke! I saw you running around school earlier! I can see you're expressing your youth so wonderfully! Keep it up!" Rock Lee exclaimed as he jogged by.

"-7 tonight?"

"That sounds-"

"SECOND BEST!"

"-fine. My place or yours?"

"Come over-"

"Come on, Kakashi, I can write an Icha Icha series with _us_ in it!"

"Screw you Kisame! You can go drown yourself in a swamp!"

"...Was that just-"

Sasuke cut Sai off, "Yes, continue."

"...My place at 7."

xXx

Sasuke stood uncomfortably at Sai's bedroom doorway, the thin bathrobe the only thing covering him. He leaned against the frame as he watched Sai search for some clothes in his closet. Seeing as though it was already 10 (2 hours of modeling and 1 hour of arguing about random crap), Sasuke decided to spend the night at Sai's place.

Now why was Sai searching for clothes? Oh. Well, that's simple. Somehow or another, the fangirls had broken into Sai's house like ninjas and stole his clothes, but made sure to leave a thank you note for Sasuke. Yup. So now he had to borrow Sai's clothes, preferably ones that didn't label him as a fag with a shirt from the third grade.

"Here." Sai tossed Sasuke a large black shirt and pair of gray sweats.

Sasuke stared at the clothes in his hand. "If you have normal clothes, why don't you ever wear them?"

"I like to stand out."

"..." And this is coming from the guy with as much emotion as a rock. "Right."

Sai stepped up to Sasuke, angling his head slightly, but to what, Sasuke didn't know. He lifted a hand to press against Sasuke's bare chest, pressing his fingers onto either side of the bathrobe.

"Do you realize what you agreed to by staying here?"

Sasuke's eyes widened as he straightened up from contact. "Oh, fuck me..." He cursed, wanting to run out of the room even if it meant flashing Konoha. It's not like he could get arrested for it anyway. There wasn't anybody who _didn't_ want to see that, right? Well, except Naruto...

Sai smirked darkly, grasping onto the bathrobe tightly now. "Gladly."

"Ah, _shit!"_ Sasuke gasped before being tackled onto the floor, the donated clothes flying into the air. Not much use he'd have of them tonight.

xXx

**~Two Weeks Later!~**

Sasuke's eye twitched. He had never hated the raven-haired boy as much as he did now. No, never. This was pushing his limits. His hand clenched into a fist, the newspaper still in his hand.

As it crumpled between his fingers, the words "Naked Sasuke For Sale" were still bright and excruciatingly vivid.

Oh yeah, he was _dead_.

When Sasuke found Sai, his lover of he-didn't-know-how-many weeks, he was standing behind a stall, selling hundreds of copies in all shapes and sizes of the very picture he had modeled for. Just to make things better though, a girl was thanking him for cooperating with "them" and working along with "them."

Sasuke recognized the girl to be the president of his fanclub.

"Saaaiiii..."

Sai looked up from his booming business to look at Sasuke. "Ah, Sasuke."

The boy curled a finger in his direction, signalling him to get his ass over there or risk losing a head and several limbs. "NOW."

Earning many disappointed groans, Sai put up an "Out to Lunch" sign over his stall and walked over to Sasuke, "Hey, can you walk properly this time?"

Sasuke blushed madly before steaming into a fit of rage. "WHATTHEHELLISTHIS?" He shrieked, ready to blow up now.

"Hm... Well, at least I'm not selling this one." Sai pulled out his phone and showed his lover a picture of his sleeping face. Then pressed the "next" button, showing them kissing. Then them on the bed. Then Sasuke looking like he was about ready to ask, "please rape-" Okay, we're getting off topic.

Sasuke snatched the cell and broke it in half, his whole body red in embarrassment, though wondering how the hell he never noticed them being taken.

Sai grinned.

Yeah, life would have been easier if Sasuke had never been born.

**End.**

**xXx**

**Monkey: Sooo... what did everyone think? XD**

Cookee: This was... I'm never giving you sugar again ._.;

**Monkey: Ha! That won't stop me xP**

Cookee: ... Ah well, at least we got to torture Sasuke :P

**Monkey: WHOO for torturing Sasuke! And WHOO for making him uke! XDD And why uke you readers might ask? :D**

Cookee: Because unless it's with Naruto, Sasuke will always be uke XD

**Monkey: In our eyes anyway ;P Well, see you later everybody! XD**


End file.
